June 10, 2025, Tuesday.
Laredo, Texas.

I worked like a dog today. I hadn’t worked like this in a long time. Because my health doesn’t allow it anymore anyway. However, I got enthusiastic today. I got a burst of energy. Because when I woke up in the morning, when I looked at the map, I saw that I could still make it to the receiver on time. They were open until 4 in the afternoon. When I woke up in the morning, I looked and the map says “you will be there at 2:30.” I mean, even if I take a half-hour break on the road, I’ll probably make it.

The reason I say probably is this: the map was showing the shortcut. I was going to go by the interstate highway with the truck. And this was going to add some time to my trip. I was thinking “I’ll probably have to stop for diesel too,” but it didn’t happen that way.

I arrived there at 3:30. They took my number and said “wait for us to call.” On the way out, I asked the security guard “will I wait a long time?”, he couldn’t give a clear answer but from his attitude, frankly, I gathered there was a possibility I might ‘wait a long time’. I said to myself I might as well go to the truck stop. The truck stop is 30 minutes away too. I’ll fill up the diesel too.

But they called when I was very close to reaching the truck stop. Still, since I had already come, I got the diesel. Because I really could have been stranded on the road if I hadn’t gotten it now. And of course, the receiver got tired of waiting and called again. I explained the situation, I said “the diesel was running out, I came to the truck stop, now I am heading back from here.” He didn’t make a big deal out of it on the phone, frankly. He said okay, “pull up to dock door 10 when you arrive”; I said okay.

When I arrived, a Slavic-looking middle-aged female truck driver went inside first. And I waited in line behind her. Then again I waited inside for her to pull up. And then I backed up to dock door 10. Moreover, it was in a difficult position, and this backup took a lot of my time.

I said there is a seal, while waiting for a cutting tool to break the seal, they called and said we will unload your cargo tomorrow. How many hours have I been driving non-stop since morning on that road. It’s 5 PM and I haven’t eaten anything yet. I’ve been holding my pee. I held my breath, I drove non-stop for 7-8 hours just to make it, look what happened to me. It’s very frustrating, isn’t it? This is the reward for being poor, for being a laborer. They bend you over, they fuck you, and you can’t say a word. But even if I were the mayor, nothing would change. Look, İmamoğlu is in prison. Mr. Ferdi Zeyrek passed away too. They are discussing whether he died a natural death or if it was a planned thing.

I mean, life is troublesome for everyone. Everyone is right. We are all right. Tayyip is right too. He is also after his own interests. It has to be this way. Anyway, maybe it’s not possible to be in Tayyip’s position and resign from that seat. You know, it’s a bit like being a member of the mafia. You can’t say “I’m retiring.” Maybe Chief Tayyip’s situation is like this too. Even if the man wants to quit, they don’t let him. They threaten him. I mean, even if others don’t threaten him, how can you just up and leave after committing so many crimes? Isn’t it obvious that the next one to come will make you suffer miserably? And he says “instead of me suffering, let them suffer,” so there it is. Isn’t it very natural? Wouldn’t you do the same? I would definitely do it this way.

Aleyna Tilki is such a sweet girl. Because I constantly listen to Simge Sağın, YouTube recommends other girls too. Thus, I discovered Merve Özbey. Hadise is good. Gülşen comes up but I just can’t warm up to her. Bengü is beautiful. Someone named Ayşe Hatun Önal came up, I liked her too. In the past, I wouldn’t have mentioned these. Because listening to pop isn’t cool. But I’m old now. I’ll die soon. That’s why I don’t give a fuck whether it’s cool or not. I listen to pop, I listen to arabesque too. I even listen to Uzi, I swear.

Some of the things I like the most are decreasing marriages, increasing divorces, and decreasing births. The fact that humans will cease to exist is one of the most beautiful things. Human means man and woman. Man means rapist and murderer. And poor woman is powerless and a victim. There are girls and women who are raped or murdered day and night everywhere. Everywhere. I was passing through New Mexico yesterday, for example, there are huge billboards: about kidnapped and murdered girls. These incidents are apparently very common among Native Americans.

Turkey’s situation is already obvious. There are countries much worse than Turkey in South America, East Asia, Africa. You look at femicide statistics, every country is a disaster. It is not a situation unique to anywhere. It is a general situation experienced everywhere.

I read a few paragraphs of Lisa Marie Montgomery’s life. The poor little girl was raped by her stepfather from the age of 10. Her mother told the handyman fixing the house, “I have no money, rape my daughter.” When the girl refused to have sex, her mother killed her dog in front of her eyes to punish her. I don’t know, when written like this they are ordinary simple sentences with a subject and a verb, but they made the sweet-faced little girl smiling in that photo live a life worse than hell. They married her to her stepbrother. She had children with her stepbrother. Then they tied her tubes so she wouldn’t give birth anymore. I guess she started losing her mind after this tube tying. There’s an ex-husband trying to take her kids away from her. At the end of the movie, there’s a crazed woman who gets the idea “if I go to the hearing with a newly born baby, the court will sympathize with me and won’t take my children away,” murdering a pregnant woman she met online. She cuts open the pregnant woman’s belly and takes the baby and returns home saying “this baby is mine, I gave birth to it.”

What kind of a story is this? What kind of a life is this? What is this that women experience? What is this that women suffer? Of course, I feel the most sorry for my own mother. Before she got Alzheimer’s, doctors had removed her ovaries and stuff too. I guess they were afraid she would get cancer. I suppose they prevented cancer this way. After that surgery, my mom always had health problems. I wonder if this surgery or the drugs she used also had an effect on the Alzheimer’s.

Speaking of cancer, horny men like me catch HPV, herpes, and stuff because they stick their dick into every pussy that comes their way. These viruses don’t do anything to men but they can cause cancer in women. I wonder, did my dad catch a virus from a whore and infect my mom? I wonder, is that why my mom had to undergo that surgery years ago? I wonder, is that why she went crazy, is that why she lost her memory, is that why the poor woman’s life darkened at a young age? I wonder… I wonder…

Maybe it has nothing to do with it. I hate men so much. Whether it’s my dad or myself, it makes no difference, I know that people with a dick are disgusting. I know it from myself. I know what a piece of shit I am since my childhood years. The pornos I watched as a kid have a big contribution to this too, and by the way, I think porn is entirely rape. But of course, maybe not all of them. Since the ones I watch the most are savage pornos with beatings, kicks, spitting, and slapping.

Why do I watch these? I think because I am a man. As far as I understand, all men get the most pleasure from these pornos. The more violence, the more rape, the more humiliation, insult – the more pleasure. I am the reason why I hate men. Maybe men are not to blame at all. Maybe the only one to be hated is myself. But there are people who pay so much money and subscribe to those sites, brother. I am not even a paying member. There are millions of members, those videos have been watched billions of times. That means I’m not the only one. Maybe not all men (which I doubt, I think all men are equally disgusting and bad), but millions, billions of men… Terrifying.

That’s why decreasing births make me happy. I want humans to cease to exist. Or whatever, who cares. Even if just I cease to exist, it’s enough. When I cease to exist, everything will cease to exist for me anyway. Hehe. This is what I love. This is what I adore. This is my most beautiful consolation. This is my greatest happiness.

Mom, I love you. I only love you. But you don’t have a meaning either, of course. We are all as worthless as bugs. And it would be good if we ceased to exist as soon as possible. Thank God life is very short. When you think about it, everything is wonderful. When you think about it, this world is very beautiful. There are girls with blonde hair, blue eyes, and big boobs, for instance. There are bright green dollars. My credit card debt went down from 42 thousand dollars to 41 thousand dollars, what’s up. I am very happy. When all the debts are gone, I’ll be even happier.

I will probably have my celebration with 18-year-old whores. I will watch them having to suck a 40-year-old pee-pee for money and I will tell this with pride. Because this is who I am. This is the most I can be. Forgive me, mom. I know I am not worthy of you. And I am very angry at you too. I wish it hadn’t been this way. I wish I could call and talk to you. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to write here. I would tell you beautiful stories. I wouldn’t focus on ugly things. But it’s too late now. Besides, there’s very little time left until death anyway. I love you mom. I love you. But now you are not here. Because of that, I am forced to love the budding breasts of 18-year-old girls, as the holy books also command.

I adore God’s mercy. I adore God, meaning myself. It’s getting late, I am both boring and passing out. Good night.