May 18, 2026, Monday.
Ontario, California.

I asked Google what age I would die. A site popped up, death-clock.org or something. You type your birth date, it asks if you smoke, asks your weight and height, questions your psychological state, whether you consume alcohol, where you are from, whether you exercise and whether you eat healthy or unhealthy, and then it says… for example, it tells me I have 13 years left to live.

This felt very realistic to me. I expect something like that anyway. I am 38 years old. I am fat. I don’t exercise and I eat unhealthily. My only positive side is that I don’t smoke and I drink alcohol maybe once in a blue moon, one beer, but other than that everything is negative.

The topic of exercise and food, I can’t bother with it since I drive a truck. I mean, whoever wants to bother can, but I can’t.

As a result, it is predicted that I will write my last diary entry on Wednesday, August 10, 2039, and go straight to the bottom of hell.

These fucking black people can’t stop themselves from acting like monkeys. I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to die anyway. I might as well enjoy racism.

There is a black family at the next table laughing like animals. I got angry at that. Since I am depressed like a dick myself, I guess I want those poor people not to be happy either. So, as usual, I am the son of a bitch of this story too.

When I came to this country, I was a little ball of love. Seeing the actions of some beastly black people in this country, I started to understand the troubles of my white American brothers.

Racist Elon Musk’s racist Twitter is also pouring gasoline on my fire. I just saw a video, 3 black teens telling a 9-10 year old Chinese kid “We are going to fuck your sister, and you won’t be able to do anything,” and bursting into laughter. The kid’s sister comes, they insult her too, have their fun, laugh and leave. A video like this. I’m going to justify myself, you know. I need to pull you to my side. Now I’ve described this video too, you are obliged to take my side now.

Ugh. Yes. Every race has these sons of bitches. Unfortunately.

Then I put on porn. There is a black kid named Damian Dayski, look, I couldn’t get mad at that kid. He seems like a decent guy. He gives smart, logical, civilized answers to the questions. He is only 19 in that video. I don’t know, sometimes I fall for the black guys in porn, I swear at them – I mean, racism requires this. So if I’m not mad at Damian… Now you can see I am striking poses of “how objective I actually am.”

America has changed me a lot. When we were university students in Izmir, we were all leftists. We were supposedly on the side of the oppressed. Now here I have reached the point of “Why is the oppressed even breathing, being oppressed is not enough, they should be killed.” Me included in this. You either work like a dog and be useful to society, or you go hungry and we don’t care. That’s why I have been working like a dog day and night for years.

You say free housing, free education, free healthcare, and capitalist Johnny, Jimmy answers with his bead-blue eyes. He says there is no such thing as free. If someone is living in a house for free, it means someone else is working extra to make the money for two houses but is living in one house, he says. I am becoming enlightened. The man is right. How can something be free? It makes a lot of sense.

So it means I am working, and the black guy is eating. Wow. Okay, it doesn’t have to be a black guy, but my labor is being stolen and fed to someone else, this is guaranteed.

Now even America doesn’t seem capitalist enough to me. Because they take taxes from me. I work, the state takes my money and distributes it to the poor. Whether it distributes it or eats it itself is another question mark, but in both scenarios, my labor provides comfort for someone else. Let them fuck off and work too. Are there no jobs? There are a trillion jobs here.

These absurd and aggressive thoughts, see, they are also stealing from my lifespan. We are getting one day closer to August 10, 2039.

What would you do if you knew you were going to die in 13 years? I don’t know either. I can’t do anything. I have to look after my mother. I have to look after my sister. I will take my last breath at the steering wheel. Or I’ll work for another 10 years. I’ll quit working around 48-49. And I’ll spend my last one or two years traveling around or something, I don’t know. But I am already traveling around in the truck anyway. I can play Pollyanna like this.

Fuck this kind of life. Let my head go into the day I was born. Let it be August 10, 2039, as soon as possible. So I can get rid of these damn complaints. I am bored of myself. I am sick of myself.