April 24, 2026, Friday.
Grandview, Washington.

It’s always others who are guilty. It’s always others who are bad. It’s always others who are talking nonsense. It’s always others who are ridiculous. We always laugh at others.

Oh, this damn ego. Oh, this damn arrogance. It doesn’t allow, it doesn’t allow us to realize our own mistakes.

For example, Mesut, we’ve been talking for years, I think he got offended at me a while ago. He stopped calling. Yet he used to call often. The reason he got offended is probably his debt to me. I think his debt to me came up while I was talking to Nuh. And then if Nuh asked him about this issue, I think he might have gotten offended at me because of that.

Actually, there’s no harm in us not speaking. I can’t get along with people anyway. There’s no problem with people, I am a difficult person. I know myself. This isn’t a new thing. It was always like this. I have no tolerance for anyone other than myself. I can’t even tolerate myself from time to time, actually.

Honestly, I hope he pays his debt. Truthfully, this is what worries me the most right now. I don’t want to witness myself getting fucked over. It’s not a sweet feeling, as you can appreciate. Getting scammed hurts sometimes. I say sometimes because I’ve been scammed dozens of times. All of this happened mostly because I have a weakness for boobs. I closed my eyes and opened the mouth of my purse to whoever said, “I have boobs, I’ll breastfeed you”. But in the end, I mostly sucked my own palm. I licked my own palm (got nothing).

For example, Osman, we’ve known each other for years. He talks big during the day, he’s a moralist. He criticizes me, he trashes me, we are exact opposites. He actually defends Sharia law too. In the evenings, he looks for escorts. He calls me and asks about escorts. I don’t go, he goes. I haven’t been going for a long time since I am drowning in a swamp of debt. Osman doesn’t have debt, but he has a wife, he has kids at home. His wife must have sensed something too because she calls more often nowadays asking ‘where are you’. He was complaining about this the other day. I’m surprised.

I feel sad. Let’s say I catch a disease, I only harm myself. What will happen to the innocent wives who trust their husbands, then? Some small diseases don’t even show symptoms in men but cause cervical cancer in women, for example.

Persia, for instance, was a whore when we met. And she is the whore I fell in love with the most. Sometimes I dream of leaving everything behind, going to her, and becoming her slave. However, she’s not alone anymore. She has a boyfriend. And they made a baby. She sent a video yesterday while breastfeeding the baby. I got excited. I saw her chubby boobs after a long time. In return, I gifted her a sum of dollars. I’m guessing her boyfriend has no idea. I think the whore is keeping me as a backup too, in case the guy leaves her. Don’t mind me, I’m happy with my situation. I’d wait as a backup for Persia, I’d enter the game in the 89th minute, I’d even father her bastard. I wouldn’t care at all. Her sleepy eyes, her button nose, her apple cheeks, her full lips, aren’t they something else? Not to mention her silky hair, watermelon ass, and huge boobs.

Kenan became a father too. He married a young foreign girl. The girl’s reason for marrying is a green card, but Kenan doesn’t want to believe this, of course. I hope what Kenan put his ex-wife through, she doesn’t put Kenan through, but this is how these things go, you know. To become an American, you deceive an American, you say “I’m in love with you”. I did it too. Everyone does it. Turn on the “90 Day Fiance” show and watch, there is no one who doesn’t do it. Everyone is a scumbag. The Arab, the Russian, the Latino, and me too.

Them having a baby doesn’t mean anything. Every woman who finds a rich husband makes a baby, that’s not the issue. The issue is divorce and alimony. As a hundred-year-old ‘Meriç’ (white knight), I’m not going to blame women. If I were a woman, I’d do it too. I mean, the system is set up like this. The law, for once in 40 years, took the woman’s side. Furthermore, that’s also just so the patriarchal order isn’t disrupted. So that polygamy doesn’t spread, the father of the child is known; so the father, thus the man, can lead the herd.

Otherwise, normally a child wouldn’t have a father. They’d have a mother. Everyone makes love with everyone, and one day children are born. The whole tribe raises those children. Life becomes a festival.

And the order becomes matriarchal.

As if what I say matters. I’m just a captive in this world. And I’m putting tally marks in the diary until the day I’m freed. That’s the whole story. Today is over too. The debts are not over. They won’t be over for a long time. Maybe I will end, they won’t end. Maybe debts will be left behind from me as a memory.

If I were to come to the world again, I’d want to be a singer. Writing songs, singing songs. Humming all day, getting close to women who admire the same melodies, and drifting apart before being able to unite. I got very used to drifting apart before uniting. It became an addiction. Also, the idea of staying tied to a single woman or a woman staying tied to a single man disgusts me. It’s as if everyone should experience love with everyone. Everyone should give everyone a try. When I say everyone, obviously everyone is not possible, but every living creature should test as large a number as possible.

Instead of every living creature tasting death, if every living creature tasted a gangbang, for example.

Nah, a gangbang is bad, fuck. Come one by one. There is no one coming, no one going. I just talk to myself like crazy like this.