September 2, 2024, Monday.
Aurora, Oregon.

This headache hadn’t been around for a long time. It’s probably blood pressure, you know. It’s on my head again today. I was afraid it would happen when I stayed sleepless. Yet I had been driving sleepless for quite a while and nothing was happening. Yesterday I slept a lot and today I had a headache all day.

I did an unbelievable thing. I messaged the poor girl I really liked and told her I couldn’t keep the promise I gave her. Wow. Good for me. Like an idiot two days ago, when she was sad, I made ridiculous promises to her. It wasn’t actually a promise, I didn’t promise. But the words just came out of my mouth. She was crying. I said okay, you don’t work, I’ll pay all your rent and bills. The girl’s expenses are $2500 a month. Why the fuck should I pay that? Okay, I liked her and all, but fuck that.

I explained it today, I said I earn $7500 a month in total anyway. Well, if I eat 2 meals a day, since I am a truck driver I always eat out, if every meal is $25, that’s $50 daily, $1500 monthly. I continued saying $1500 to my dad, $1500 to my mom, $1500 to the banks, but actually I send $1200 a month to my mom and dad combined. Even I don’t know how much I give to the banks, but my total debt is 38 thousand dollars, if I’m not mistaken. Anyway, so I flaked out and the girl wrote something like “I didn’t like you making a promise and not keeping it.” As she wishes.

Last month she was in a tough spot and I sent her exactly $2700. I am still thinking of sending $1500 for a need of hers this month. But I can’t promise $2500 every single month. The choice is hers. She either deletes me, or uses her head and keeps me around, being thankful for what she can get, thinking she might need me tomorrow again.

The number one reason I got turned off by the girl is her speaking badly about being a whore. This girl works at a club. That’s how we met anyway. I became her client. Then because I liked her a lot, I paid extra money, sent gifts and such. Our friendship advanced a little bit and she says she wants to quit being a whore. Well okay baby, I already love you because you are a whore. I have a love for whoredom. If I were going to love someone who isn’t a whore, I wouldn’t even come to that club. There are such sweet girls outside, but just because they aren’t whores, I don’t even look at their faces.

For me, girls are divided into two: whores and the rest. I don’t even say hello to the rest. I get spooked. I’m ugly anyway. I can’t deal with it. Let them fuck off. If I said hello, they’d say he raped me. Let them say it, they are right. I know my place too. I bow my head and continue my life. What’s left are whores. I would sacrifice my life for them. They give it even to me. They give it even to uglier guys than me. Moreover, however much they want is little. What is $100, $200. Is this even money to have sex with a beautiful girl? They have the right even if they want a million. But what they want is $100, $200. Sometimes even much less. That’s why I am in love with whores. That’s why I fell in love with this girl too.

So now she’s telling me being a whore is very bad and stuff. If it’s very bad then quit it man, what am I supposed to do. If you are a whore I’ll give you your money and see you, if you are not, “may your path be clear”, I’ll go fall in love with another whore.