September 8, 2024, Sunday.
Aurora, Oregon.

I still have the load. Meaning, the load delivery process didn’t happen last night either. Maybe it will happen tonight, maybe tomorrow night. Days are passing. I am losing money. There is nothing I can do.

I excitedly celebrated the Sinaloan at 12 at night. I said send $2500, I pressed the send button, it didn’t go. Then I sent $1500 from the card that had $1500 on it. I told her to shoot a video for the song you made and publish it already. She sent me a video with kisses but that’s it for now. It’s coming up on 12 noon now and still no other message. Oh well, I eased my conscience. I’ll probably send another $1000 by October. And I learned not to ask for anything in return. When you ask, it doesn’t happen anyway. You just end up begging.

We’ve come to such a time that now it feels hard to pay $200 and fuck a whore. Instead, I give $2000 to a whore far away whom I will never fuck, and I fantasize and become happy. It’s not just me. There are a lot of people doing this. Humans are like this, a weird creature.

Believe me, I also think about going into the bathroom, slitting my wrists, and disappearing a few times a day. But you know, living things are inclined to stay alive. Suicide and all that aren’t easy things. That’s why one must have great respect for those who commit suicide. They are truly among the few people who can walk away victorious from a tremendous struggle.

Now I’m looking at girls from the escort site. There are a few girls I like. But paying $200 feels hard. Cutting my nails feels hard. Swallowing the Viagra pill feels hard. Spraying deodorant on my armpits feels hard. Brushing my teeth feels hard. Shaping my beard feels hard. Shaving around my dick, my balls feels hard.

I just took my shower but if I hadn’t, taking a shower would have felt hard too. Then I’ll put on a t-shirt, drop the trailer and hit the road with the front part of the truck, I’ll go, I’ll meet the girl, I’ll wait for the girl beforehand, after meeting up the risk of “that’s forbidden,” “don’t touch me there,” or a sour face or bad treatment, premature ejaculation, the dick not getting hard, everything ending in two minutes, maybe even getting scammed, this and that, and I just don’t feel like moving my ass.

Poor whores can’t make money either because of assholes like me. It’s the OnlyFans era anyway. Go in, make free money. Two sweet words, two sweet messages, “my love, my baby, if you were with me you would fuck me like this, I would lick you like this,” boom, done. Both the girl makes money without licking or doing anything. And the guy doesn’t get attitude or bad treatment despite paying money. That is why online sex took off. Uncles and old guys don’t go to whores anymore, they chat online, jack off to the fantasy, and relax.

You are going crazy right now, thinking “why the fuck would anyone pay for that,” but you think like this because you don’t have money. When there is money, it is paid. Because… because, well, you should have understood by now, I explained so much above. I’m tired. OnlyFans isn’t an easy job at all, either. There are a thousand girls but ten of them make money. Moreover, bad treatment is also possible online. You give your money and put your hand on your dick, and what do you know, the lady wants more money. Ah, fuck the job you’re doing.

I’m laughing while writing. It’s actually funny. The summary of the matter is, whatever is out there is in scamming. He who has a brain scams. He who doesn’t, crawls. We are reptiles for now. But this is life, you never know. After all, there is a valuable piece of advice saying “don’t pity the orphan, they’ll turn around and fuck you in the ass.” They must not be talking empty words. There must be past experiences.