October 28, 2025, Wednesday.
Barstow, California.

I had written a piece mixed with sadness and acceptance under the influence of the adult film I watched last time, but of course, when I talked about the adult film in detail, they deleted my account, they blew me away.

I’m learning my lesson. You see, I say “adult film” now. How civilized of me. How polite of me.

They are right, of course. Kids read these places too.

I continue trying to drive the truck, pick up loads, drop off loads, earn money, distribute money, and close my debts.

Most recently on Friday, they loaded 10 tons of pizza from Chicago, I’ll drop it off at the Walmart warehouse in Riverside, California in a few hours.

Since I came to California, I wanted to use my leave, escape to Tijuana, and meet up with a few escort girls, but I still have 31 thousand dollars of credit card debt, so I gave up on it.

Other than that, I follow my teenage ‘apaçi’ rapper brothers. I want to be like them. And because I want to be like them, I watch what they’ve done, what they’ve been up to.

Sure, man. I’m 37 now. Soon to be 38. This is an unfulfilled desire inside me. I was an amateur rapper too when I was a kid, when I was young. Then life conditions, because I constantly had to work, I couldn’t spare the time, but rap is popular these days. One gets enthusiastic.

Especially after that Havhavhav blew up, I got really hyped. I can write these too, man, I said. And I did. One night on the road, I wrote 14-15 raps like this until morning. I could say ‘rap’ too, but it’s ‘rep’. Rap or rep? I think ‘rep’ is cuter. Turkified.

Being famous, being rich is our biggest dream. It’s like that for most of us. Will it happen? Destiny. Next thing you know, it has happened. The probability of it not happening is higher, but the probability of it happening is there too.

Actually, if I could just find someone in my own head who understands these things. Because it’s hard alone. Also, I can’t make music or anything. I can only write lyrics. If there was a friend to make the music, we could try our luck together.

I sent 300 of the deposited money to my dad again, 100 to my sibling, 250 to Bitcoin. 250 in expenses came up out of nowhere, an amount I have to pay the state, because I am a company owner. Car insurance took 100. I paid close to 1000 to credit cards but a part of it goes to interest anyway. And then I spend from those same cards again. Money situations are a bit messy.

Other than that, life goes on. I am experiencing a skin problem, but I don’t know if it’s a sexually transmitted disease, a skin problem, diabetes, or cancer. I can’t go to a doctor or anything right now either. Actually, if death came and took my life, I wouldn’t leave with my eyes looking back. I’ve lived as much as I will live. I don’t have much expectations left from life. Ultimately, everything is indeed extremely meaningless and everything is indeed empty, completely empty. That’s why if I could die, dying is truly the best. However, if I’m going to live, then let’s not continue dreaming of being with young and beautiful escorts somehow. Because if I am going to continue living, I need a motivation. And for a man, a better motivation than young and beautiful girls is obviously impossible.

Russia is very far away. Otherwise, instead of Mexican girls, I would actually prefer Russian girls. Pale skin, big boobs, and an innocent face. I just can’t resist these.

Beautiful days, brother. See you again. Treat yourself well. Love women. Fight against violence towards women. Amen, our religion.