I click here, I click there. Everything is awful. It’s embarrassing. So much so that I can’t even find myself awful and embarrassing enough after seeing this. What’s going on? What’s happening? We’re so weird. Everyone is so weird.

Actually, when you think about it, there are normal people too. Honestly, there are. Lots of them. So the problem must be me. Especially when I watch these crazy people.

You know what the solution is? Money. If I had money, I wouldn’t have so much time to click. I’d go to a strip club and throw money at dancing breasts. Without money, it’s all phone all day, all internet all day, all stupid posts all day, all stupid comments all day.

If you say, “Let’s watch a documentary,” it’s depressing: wild nature, meaningless world. That’s not the solution either. The solution is money. I swear. “Those who say money can’t buy happiness just don’t have enough money for happiness,” as Ariana Grande sings in her song. I love it.