March 25, 2025, Tuesday.
Smithton, Pennsylvania.

I have $25.45 in my account. There are 3 days left until Friday. Something will be deposited on Friday. I hope at least $1000 will be deposited.

I’ve been a company driver since yesterday. Yesterday, dispatch found a load around noon again. I went early in the morning. The guys loaded it early, thank God.

However, they loaded too much. Around 45,667 pounds. As soon as I heard it, I said it must be an overload. I drove to the Cat Scales (more than 20 minutes away), and sure enough, I was overweight, there’s nothing I can do. I’ll have to go back to reload. I returned. They unloaded one pallet. Then the weigh station again. A lot of time wasted.

And I was hungry too. I ate pizza from Subway. After eating, I got sleepy.

A few days ago, I had stopped at an Asian buffet to eat. I forgot my credit card there. Now, while going to the delivery, I extended my route to pick up my card from there. I was already going to extend my route for this, and then I took the wrong way, a place with terrible traffic, I wasted a good 2-3 hours in traffic.

Atlanta traffic. Instead of going west then north, I went east then north then west, completely screwing up my route and my time.

Anyway, I was already going to be late for the delivery. Because the appointment was at 5 in the morning. I think I arrived around 2 in the afternoon. Because I slept twice during the night. I slept at 12 and woke up at 3. Then I drove for two hours and slept again at 5 and woke up at 8.

No problem. Things like this can happen. They reloaded, so that’s my excuse. And Atlanta traffic is a good excuse too, after all. However, the place I’m delivering to closes at 10:30 in the morning. So now I’m waiting for tomorrow morning. They rescheduled, the delivery is now at 6 tomorrow morning.

The truck stop I arrived at is under renovation. So there are no showers. We came because it’s a Flying J. Most of these have a Denny’s. There’s nothing here. Not many eateries around either. I’m getting through the day with PBJ – peanut butter jelly. That’s something that makes you gain weight too, huh? What am I gonna do?

Now, delivery is at 6 tomorrow morning, and there’s a pick-up at 10. The delivery for that pick-up is around 5 in the evening. Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for me. Very busy. I have to drive non-stop. I don’t like driving non-stop at all. But I have to stop because of food, because of the toilet.

While on the road, I think, “Just take the gun and shoot yourself in the head and be done with it,” but it passes when I arrive. By the way, there’s a surname called İntihar (Suicide in Turkish). When I typed “intihar” into Google, a lot of people came up with names like John İntihar, Catherine İntihar. Apparently, it’s a surname used by the Irish and maybe the Croatians. Wow, ladies and gentlemen.

***

Today was a day I respected my father. It suddenly came to my mind. He’s old. He’ll die sooner or later. I can’t be a father. He became a father. He raised us. It’s something to be respected. In the end, no matter how much we badmouth the world, we don’t refrain from living. So, we should also thank those who brought us into the world.

***

I wish my mother would die sooner. She has Alzheimer’s. I mean, her life has no meaning now. It’s affecting my father. It’s affecting us. It’s a waste of money. It’s a waste of suffering. I wish she would die in peace so we could all be saved. Especially her, of course.

***

My sister says, “Send money, let’s save up, let’s buy a house,” but my situation isn’t that good, dear brother. Honestly, people think we’re quite rich. Actually, earning $10,000 a month isn’t a small amount of money. It’s just that I’m an idiot. I’ve gone hungry spending it all on women.

***

My friends also keep saying, “Save money, let’s do this business, let’s do that business,” but dude, I still have $40,000 in debt. Let me pay that off first. At this rate, I probably won’t ever pay it off anyway.

***

Do you know what I dream about? I buy a ticket and fly to Germany. I find Killa Hakan. I tell him, “Take me too, brother, make me a rapper too, my brother.” Hehe. Honestly, screw life, I need to go hang out with Hakan abi.

***

On the other hand, the porn industry also stands as a dream. Actually, maybe I should leave everything and focus on that. May is coming. I’m going to take a break from work to renew my license. During that time, I need to divorce my wife. Then I need to go to Istanbul and get Sema. I’ll marry Sema and make her American. Then we’ll both become porn stars. It’s a dream. Maybe it will happen.

***

I need a lot of money, a lot. There are so many beautiful girls to fuck everywhere. South America, Russia, Southeast Asia, you name it. Everywhere is full. But I need money. I need to find a lot of money and lick a lot of pussy. That’s the taste of life.