November 2, 2025, Sunday.
Rock Springs, Wyoming.

I am taking 20 tons of peas from Chehalis, Washington to Dallas. The length of the trip is 2142 miles. The price is $6250. As the driver, 30% is mine: $1875. Picked it up Friday, will drop it off Monday. So, a 3-day drive. $625 daily. May God bless it.

Around $3000 will be deposited into my account on Friday again. I will immediately send $300 to my dad, $100 to my sibling. I’ll buy $250 worth of Bitcoin. There is a poor girl I’m giving a scholarship to, I’ll send her $100. I’ll set aside $400 for myself. I will bury the rest into the credit cards, hopefully. I had about 31 thousand dollars of debt left last time.

This scholarship conversation wasn’t actually a scholarship, but fate spun its web. We had actually been flirting in messages for years. But of course, the girl is the age of my daughter. I was basically providing financial help in exchange for those messages, that conversation, that relationship.

Then one day the poor girl found a boyfriend. After that, of course, we put some distance between us. We don’t really talk anymore. However, since I know the poor girl’s situation, I couldn’t stop helping. It will go on like this for a while longer. I’m guessing in 7-8 months she might not need me anymore.

So what I mean to say is this. I’m not giving a scholarship because I am a good-hearted person. I continue sending this money because I am an old, bald, pot-bellied, ugly pedophile who is a slave to his lust. Deep down, I am definitely fantasizing that maybe she breaks up one day and our old “friendship” comes back.

Probably because of the void created after she left, I just wrote to Zerrin, whom I hadn’t texted for two years, this time. I wasn’t that interested in Zerrin, but bless her, she was a college girl who constantly sent nudes when we last parted ways.

Now she has changed a lot. Very bad things have happened to her. The poor thing has become scared and runs away from men. It’s impossible to condemn her. One can’t help but agree with her. Very bad things have happened to her. Her good intentions and purity were exploited. She was subjected to harassment and even rape. She was scammed, humiliated, pushed around, and ultimately the poor girl decided to stay away from men.

She is even spooked by me now. Even though she used to really love me. Her old messages are still on my phone. I went back and skimmed through the messages, she has indeed changed a lot. Where are those old messages, where is today’s Zerrin. Long story short, we also lost Zerrin, whose value we didn’t appreciate. It serves us right!

I’m trying to satisfy myself somehow by texting with an 18-year-old Thai girl, but she doesn’t write in Turkish, man. Turkish sexting holds a completely different place, brother.

I saw Ezra in my dream. The Ezra who is @acnoctem on Twitter. I’m talking about the OnlyFans babe. She might be my favorite Turkish OF creator. She’s chubby, you know. Oh God, I love chubby girls. Jiggly jiggly. Cheeks meant to be bitten.

I have to ask myself, what kind of a loser thing is it to be in the USA and try to message Turkish girls. But I am a trash bag here, boss. Whatever an Afghan is in Turkey, that’s what I am here. Actually, I’m even worse.

They don’t treat me like a human being here. I don’t even look like a human anymore anyway. I am an organism constantly found inside a truck, sleeping in a truck, living in a truck. I am a completely different species. I have very few characteristics left that resemble a human. Being able to write, to keep a diary are among these rare remaining humanoid traits. That’s why I write. To remember that I am human.

Other than that, I am actually an object. My mom and dad had a calculation when making me. I will grow up, I will work, I will look after them. They won’t have to work. When I say they, it’s actually my dad. My mom was already a housewife. That poor thing of mine is an unpaid worker. There was never going to be a change in her life. She would wipe, sweep, cook, wash for a lifetime, and her worth would never be appreciated. However, fate saved her too. Now no one can make her wipe, sweep, cook, or wash. Because her brain got sick. She caught Alzheimer’s. This was the only way my poor mother could escape slavery.

Maybe that is my only way of salvation too. I guess as long as my hands and feet work, I have to work and look after them. I suppose salvation lies in losing my arms and legs. But I don’t have desires like losing my hands and arms. Let my hands and arms exist, and let me continue my slavery. I guess my mom used to pray like this too. The poor woman obviously said, ‘Let me not get Alzheimer’s, I am willing to wipe and sweep,’ but that’s not how it happened.

Appreciate the value of your hands and feet, your brain and your memory. Fall in love with Turkish girls, love Turkish women. Especially the chubby ones. The chubby ones like my mom. The chubby ones like Ezra.