January 26, 2026, Monday.
Rock Hill, South Carolina.

Living isn’t actually that hard. If they expect your smile, you will smile. When they want you to bow your head, you will bow your head. There is no such thing as “I do what I want, when I want, where I want”. You can’t. They won’t let you.

You can’t do anything all by yourself. You are bound to a spouse, a companion, a friend. So you will be smart. You will go along with everyone’s nature a little bit. If you find 3-5 people on your side, you don’t care about the rest. But you have to know the value of those 3-5 friends.

I got old. I got old early. I was expecting this. Because I had grown up early when I was a kid too. This is a situation I’m used to. If life ended here, I wouldn’t grieve. After this, we will just experience the repetition of what came before anyway. Beautiful things will happen. Ugly things will happen. If we have sense, we will enjoy the beautiful and ignore the ugly. If we don’t have enough sense, we will be devastated by the ugly and not appreciate the beautiful.

There’s blood pressure, there’s diabetes, there’s every kind of health problem, mashallah thank goodness. My head aches. Once my head aches, I don’t feel like tolerating this game anymore. I want to quit the game, lie under the ground, and snore peacefully forever.

Let the children live, let the children have fun, everything was beautiful as a kid. We had energy, we would run, yell, play, sing. We would dream, we would become important people in the future. When the future arrived, though, I could only become a truck driver.

Now in May, I am planning to buy a used truck again. I’m getting too comfortable. Even though I was perfectly happy here. There are so many headaches involved in buying your own truck. But on the one hand, I can’t give up dreaming of succeeding and growing. For that reason, I will risk it again, I will try again. Maybe I will fail again. But maybe this time my luck will hold.

I want to make more money. I want to employ others and live off their backs. Some people have succeeded at this. My bosses have succeeded. It’s not an easy job. You need to take big risks for this. If luck smiles on your face, then you lay at home, your drivers make you money.

Right now, if I died, I wouldn’t care about life on the one hand, but if I’m going to live, I need to find a source of motivation. That’s a bit where this greed of mine comes from. A bit from that, and a bit because I grew up this way, I was raised this way. Our neighbors were greedy, our relatives were greedy, my mom was greedy, my dad was greedy. That’s why I always believed I had to be like this. I thought this was the right thing to do. Did I think wrong? What should I do then? Should I retreat into seclusion or something?

Why don’t you do it? Can you do it? Don’t you want to make more money? Don’t you want a life in more luxury, to have young and beautiful women, young and beautiful men on your right and left, in front of and behind you?

Interesting. Very interesting. I congratulate you. I just haven’t seen it like that. I haven’t met people like you very much. There were always those who wanted more in my life. However, when blood pressure on the one hand, and diabetes on the other press down, you just want more health at the end of the day. Or you want to exit the game as soon as possible, lie under the ground, and snore peacefully forever.